December 2010
3 posts
Victory
December 11th, 2010
Himself: Okay, you win
Me: What did you say?
Himself: You win.
November 2010
6 posts
Notice how I never answered the question...
Himself: Where are you?
Me: I just crossed the street.
Himself: But where are you?
Me: I’m here! Where we’re supposed to meet! Oh, I see you.
Himself:What? I don’t see you.
Me: Oh. That’s not you. Where are YOU? Which corner are you on?
Himself (agitated now): I’m at the south east corner. I thought you saw me.
Me: No, that was someone else with dark hair.
...
My apartment is a little messy
What happens when I clean it:
Himself: Oh! You got a plant!
Me: I’ve always had this plant.
Himself: …
September 2010
3 posts
Horrible Songs
In the summer of ‘92, my best friend and I had a punk band together. She was the guitarist, I was the bassist and our friend Joe was the drummer. She and I would take turns singing. We called ourselves Deliberate Self Mutilation or DSM for short. It took us forever to come up with that name and it amused us to no end. Deliberate Self Mutilation! It sounds so PUNK!
We never had band...
How to buy a birthday gift
Many would argue that I am the last person who should be giving advice about how to buy a birthday present. I am notorious for giving presents months late (sorry). HOWEVER, I am currently taking steps to avoid that breach of etiquette. I now have a list on Evernote with my friends and family on it where I make notes for all of them when I see something cute. Whether or not I buy these gifts in...
this morning at the office
me: Today is going to be an 8 on the Awesome Scale! Yesterday was a 6, today will be an 8.
Creative Director: … I think your 10 is not my 10…
August 2010
3 posts
Commiserating with friends
Me: how does anyone get through life?
Me: no wonder [name retracted] drank endlessly
Lorna Doom: lately i’ve been wondering what keeps me from being a drug addict
Lorna Doom: i’ve actually considered taking up drug addiction as a hobby
Lorna Doom: i just don’t think i’m resourceful enough to get drugs as much as i’d need to if i were an addict
Me: um
Me: do you...
How to get on with your life
I’ve been broken up with a lot in the past couple of years. I know, it’s hard to believe because I’m so rad, but it’s true. And just recently I realized that I have gotten really good at it. Like, I handle this shit gracefully. And since I’m your bitchy older sister who really wants to help you get your trainwreck of a life together, I have compiled a short...
Notes from Horrible HQ - August 10, 2010
I’m typing this on my Blackberry as I walk to the day job. It’s starting to rain and all I want to do is to duck into a Starbucks, pay $8 for a coffee and watch tourist families bump into impatient New Yorkers on the sidewalk from the safety of an air conditioned window seat. But business is business, and I have to go to the office to ensure that advertising is being made.
Since...
July 2010
7 posts
This is an example of hubris, right?
Yesterday I made a big ol’ life-philosophy decision and I Tweeted about it. It came from the usual navel gazing and soul searching that I am prone to: I’m giving myself a year to NOT worry about Big Life Things. Going to try out this “stop over-thinking and enjoy your life” thing.
And just like that, I was cured of years of crippling anxiety and self-loathing! No,...
How to not get what you want
Say to your significant other, “Baby, I’d love to see you more often, but I honestly don’t know how I would fit you into my life.”
Is it time for a talk?
If you’re anything like me you find having a relationship talk with a significant other one of the most uncomfortable things on the planet. More uncomfortable than having your hands covered in a poison ivy rash (but less uncomfortable than root canal).
After my last stomach-turning conversation I decided to put a little template together for you, my loves, so that you don’t have to...
Suffering for you - The Client List
Goddammit. I cannot get the liveblogging software to work on Tumblr. This is a damn shame.
BUT DO NOT WORRY!
I am going to watch this and somehow get this liveblog thing working.
Update (10 minutes in):
This is the part where she gets in to get a job in a massage parlor. Clearly this a hand-job massage parlor. The women who interviewed her were sketchy-seeming and the massage place is...
Hm. "NJ woman made up carjacking to cover up sex"
My comments throughout.
Cops: NJ woman made up carjacking to cover up sex (no, not me)
VINELAND, N.J. (AP) — Authorities say a New Jersey woman told them she was carjacked to cover up the fact that her car crashed because she was having sex (fair enough - who wants to admit that? so… is this article going to give us any details of said sex? that’s why we clicked on...
Deal Breakers
Bad shoes
Tucked-in Polo Shirts
Tasmanian Devil Tattoos
Using coffee mugs with “grouchy” cartoon characters on them
Owning ferrets
Owning chinchillas
Wearing bracelets
Faux-hawks
Sports Team Jackets
Any tucked-in shirt outside of a suit situation
However, character flaws, deep-seated psychological problems and general dickishness are welcome.
I got your long term relationship right here...
My friends’ Monday Night Fights:
“Why do we always have to have these debates?! Why do you feel the need to argue about stupid things so much?!”
“Because we have nothing else to fight about and we have another forty years together to fill up. We gotta do SOMETHING.”
June 2010
8 posts
Investing in a Relationship
Me: Flowers, huh? What was the occasion?
GuyBFF: No occasion. She just likes flowers. This is an investment.
Me: An investment, eh?
GuyBFF: Yes. See, what I have is intelligence. I figure you gotta give birthday presents, Christmas presents, anniversary presents… and what have you… [pauses to light cigarette]. And twice a year you buy them flowers (in your case it would be a comic...
Tricks for leaving effective voicemail messages...
Tips for leaving voice messages for your parents:
This one is complex. There are many reactions you may want to get from your parents… you may need to borrow money, borrow their car, get their help moving something heavy… You could be calling to bail out of a particularly painful family obligation or even just to say “Hi”.
In all cases, it is best to sound a little sad,...
Tricks for leaving effective voicemail messages...
Leaving a message for mental health professionals:
To leave a message for a psychiatrist or therapist you should sound Crazy but not TOO Crazy. It is best to not start crying on their voice mail because it will worry them and you really don’t want them to consider the word “institution” when they’re dialing you back.
The trouble is, when I think about how my problems are smaller than others’, I only really think about that to remind myself to say that in front of other people. Because I don’t want other people to call me an asshole.
At Something Horrible, “Loose Morals” are to be...
FriendWithLooseMorals*: I found a pregnancy test in my desk when I was cleaning out my office. Me: Oh yeah? FriendWithLooseMorals: It was from when I was dating that Dickhead. It was a 2-pack. I used the first but kept the second test just in case. Me: … Ok, I can understand needing to know and picking up the test on the way to work after being up all night freaking out. But....
How to catch a boyfriend
DudeFriend01: this is my theory..
DudeFriend01: Women are crazy
DudeFriend01: Men are stupid
DudeFriend01: simple as that
Me: yeah, i can buy that
Me: i also think that men are like little woodland creatures
Me: you cannot make any sudden movements or you’ll scare them off
DudeFriend01: men are like woodland creatures in the sense that you can train us to trust you by feeding us
Me: you have...
Thank you, thank you, thank you
The other day I was chatting with a friend and giving him a quick run down of what I’ve been up to these days. When I finished he said, “Maybe you can change your blog name to Something Wonderful?” My first reaction (of course) was “Pfft. As if.”
But last night as I walked around my new neighborhood I thought, “Yeah, things are a little wonderful. Dude has a...
May 2010
9 posts
“My divorce is final!” “Yay! Which one are we talking about?”
—-
“My divorce is final!” “Great! Now you can start working on husband number three. Is this next one for love or money? I forget.”
—-
“Women just don’t want to listen.” “I DO! I always listen to advice and constructive criticism!” “Joe and I tell you what to do every day but you ignore us...
A boy wrote this to me in high school
I just found the most brilliant thing: a Valentine’s Day love poem from a high school boyfriend. His name was Chad and he took me on a date in a cemetery and he sometimes wore eyeliner. I loved him.
He was the first boy I broke up with, though not because of his terrible poetry writing:
“As the moon stares Incessantly”
Here is the night before us, above us, the wind howls...
“Love is a hazard in lower Manhattan You...
Relationship Goals
Joe: “See, when they’re doing things with you, like shopping… shopping trips that involve the words ‘duvet’ or ‘slipcover’ for instance… Those things really feel like the Bataan Death March for a guy but they do it because there’s an extremely good possibility of sex on the other side of it. Doing things like that every once in a while is...
Crazy (TM) - Now with more irrationality!!
I had a bout of the Crazies today. It was severe. Actually, it started yesterday and was triggered by everything in my life being positive and on an even keel.
Yes, my life being positive and balanced gave me severe anxiety. You read that correctly.
Because I am the product of nature, nurture and the patriarchy-run media that fills a girl’s mind with some bullshit, I made some shit up ...
Things You Throw Away
I sat on my living room floor this morning shredding unused checks from the Banco Popular account my ex and I shared. Three unused checkbooks. I know there’s probably about $75 in that account and I guess if I was Thoughtful enough I’d think about how that low amount and the empty checkbooks could symbolize something about the relationship… or some shit.
I’m not...
How To Pack Your Apartment
Buy Boxes
Forget to buy bubble wrap
Stare at boxes for a good 2 weeks
Throw some books in a box
Remember that you have to pack everything - that includes all of the cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink, etc. Cry a little.
Open a bottle of wine with a girlfriend
Wake up with a hangover
Consider going to the store to buy bubble wrap
Play 3D Tetris
Google “best way to pack your...
Quite Possibly the Best Emails I've Ever Written
11:49pm
“I’m out, and I qisht u we’re wwere hwre - despite the spwlling mistkaes.. - miss you (and everyone is talking about theiry paychiatrists…dear god… oh MG”
12:07am
“oh noes, i just saw a burlesque show and am drunkenstein„. Wish you were here, truly (did I already email you?)”
I can only hope beyond all hope that some sort of...
And I’m not even going to bother trying to put up all my old content. Maybe I’ll add old stuff here and there, when I get around to it (I have to re-enter everything manually because mySQL is being a dick).
Anyway. UPDATES!
Horrible HQ will be moving on June 1 to Long Island City! Expect less bitching about Hoboken and more bitching about drunken Mets fans on the 7 train!
...