December 11th, 2010
Himself: Okay, you win
Me: What did you say?
Himself: You win.
Something Horrible
Victory
hman:
What side are you on - or are you in that weird middle place?
I’m way over on the left, if you were wondering.
(via venndiagrams)
// from hman
Notice how I never answered the question directly…
Himself: Where are you?
Me: I just crossed the street.
Himself: But where are you?
Me: I’m here! Where we’re supposed to meet! Oh, I see you.
Himself:What? I don’t see you.
Me: Oh. That’s not you. Where are YOU? Which corner are you on?
Himself (agitated now): I’m at the south east corner. I thought you saw me.
Me: No, that was someone else with dark hair.
Himself: …
Himself: Where. Are. You.
Me: Huh? No you’re not. I’M at the south east corner! 41st and… Oh wait. I’m on 40th. (hangs up quickly to not hear yelling)
My apartment is a little messy
What happens when I clean it:
Himself: Oh! You got a plant!
Me: I’ve always had this plant.
Himself: …
The Vennding Machine: Something about airplanes.
AIRPLANES. SERIOUSLY. They’re metal tubes full of carbon in various states flung through the air on wings that generate “lift” via processes that even aeronautic engineers are at a loss to explain. Don’t even try to tell me that’s not awesome.
// from venndiagrams
Horrible Songs
In the summer of ‘92, my best friend and I had a punk band together. She was the guitarist, I was the bassist and our friend Joe was the drummer. She and I would take turns singing. We called ourselves Deliberate Self Mutilation or DSM for short. It took us forever to come up with that name and it amused us to no end. Deliberate Self Mutilation! It sounds so PUNK!
We never had band practice but we did write a lot of song lyrics that summer. Unfortunately, immediately after our senior year started in September we had had a very bad falling out and never spoke to each other again. That’s one of the few things in life that I really regret, by the way. I don’t regret the failed marriages and dead-end relationships that I’m always in and out of. Those are fine. “Learning Experiences” even. No, one of the things I regret most in my life was how harsh and mean I was to her over something that in retrospect was so trivial. It’s been 18 years and if I could take all that teenage drama back, I would in a heartbeat.
But this post isn’t about my regrets or my sad feelings. Nope! This post is to bring you the almost-lost song lyrics of DSM!
This first song is fairly innocuous. I don’t know why we wrote a song about marshmallows. I think we were trying to make some kind of semen reference at first but then really started writing an ode to marshmallows. Whatevs. Here it is:
Dear Kraft - words by Johnette (that was her) and Velouria (that’s me!)
Dear Kraft,
I know what you put in these marshmallows to make that gooey fluff
Even though it gives me cavities, it’s really good stuff.
Chorus
So let’s get kinky mister Marshmallow Maker!
Smear it on me, you virginity taker! (let’s get sticky!)
Oh so tasty in Rice Krispies
Oh that sugar rush makes me do flipsies
Make it snap, crackle and pop in your mouth! (munch away on this, buddy!)
[Drum Solo]
[Repeat Chorus]
We all live in a marshmallow world
And for the marshmallow god I would jump hurls
Let’s eat chocolate marshmallow swirl
Marshmallows will improve your sex life!
Steal my marshmallows and I’ll stab you with a knife
OK, that one wasn’t so bad or weird. Maybe a little weird. This next one, however… I’ve been debating on whether or not I should post it. It’s kinda fucked up. I mean, what were two 16-year-olds doing with this imagery in their heads?
My Razor Blade Lover - words by Johnette and Velouria
Oh, this oral sadism that I love
Sent from god above
Cut me up like a lover should
Watch me bleed. I have purple blood!
Cut my wrist, it rushes out like a flood.
My friend Russ he likes it too
Do it to him till he turns blue.
(Chorus)
Oh razor blade lover!
Ow! That feels good!
Looking back, maybe that was a cry for help? Maybe that was the first inkling that I was going to turn out a little off?
This last one is kinda long. It’s a ballad I wrote. After you read this you will want me to join your band. And I will!
Untitled - words by Velouria
I wonder what it could’ve been like
Walking with you in the eternal moonlight.
I guess I spoke too soon of things that would last
If I had my way this wouldn’t have passed.
But maybe it would have been okay living this lie.
We’ll never admit the truth. The magic would die.
So you took the step out on to the thin air
Looking back on my face to see if I’d be there
Watching you walk away from my heart
Watching you leave me in the dark
And I guess the sea of your life is full of mistakes
I’m one of them drowning in circumstance’s wake
So I turn my face from you again
Knowing I’ve killed my only friend
I can’t change what I’ve done
On the night when morning would never come
And I always think of flying away and never looking back at you.
Actually, maybe I should put that last one to a little ukulele tune. I’m sure I can pick one of a dozen ill-advised relationship dudes to sing it to. And I will put all the heartbreaking sincerity and anguish into my voice as I know I had in my head when I penned this 18 years ago. I heart you, teenage self!
